This last year, I have taken a journey of accountability. This process is really tough, and I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Just recently I’ve had to face the reality that I have been insensitive and hurt some people around me. In this case, that looked like being careless with my words and jokes in a way that was unkind toward the faith of some people that I loved. The irony is that it becomes easy for people inside a faith tradition to develop a persecution complex, but the same can ring true for people who leave those faith traditions behind. When we believe we are right, or our perception of the world and people is right, it becomes so easy to see what we want to see only.
When I was recovering memories and exploring different avenues of possibilities of who sexually abused me as a child, I had one person in my life at that time who was a phenomenal support. When I expressed to this support person that some of the possibilities could have been people she deeply loved and cared about, she chose to support me. Even though some of the options I was exploring seemed completely out of the character of what she had known some of these people to be, she was willing to believe me. She was willing to consider it. She communicated with me that when I was able to be sure about who it was that hurt me, she would at the very least seriously consider it. I don’t think any one single thing can heal something as horrible as childhood sexual abuse, but this healed something in me.
As I continued various therapy procedures, it became apparent that it was not any of these people whom I had been considering previously. It was actually most likely someone else who was a family friend, and a father of the girls I played with in the town we lived in at the time. I decided to reach out to a friend I had met later on who happened to live in this same town and know the family to gingerly communicate my suspicions, and the response I received was very different. My abuser had since operated as an LDS bishop and stake president, and had become somewhat of a pillar in the community. This friend communicated that they didn’t believe it was him. He was so nice. He “helped” someone when they came out as gay (problematic, I know, but not the point of this article). This friend understood him to be X type of person, took one look at him and what I was saying, and kept this idea at arm's length.
At this point, I’m about 99 percent sure it was this man. Go figure.
Two very different responses.
I find it so interesting that we can find ourselves doing both at the same time. At some point, it seems that many of us are able to be open-minded and supportive in situations like these until we reach our limit. We can do this until we find the one person, group, or, organization that is beyond criticism, and we will hear no more.
There is a deep history of sexual predation and misconduct in our governmental systems, political organizations, our families, and our culture. Do we really understand how strange and inappropriate it is to rope off certain people and groups to be protected from criticism when we have an absolute epidemic of sexual predation? Many of us will be happy to watch a documentary on Warren Jeffs and his crimes against children, condemn it, and go on our ways. We can see sexual violence and condemn it until it is our guy. Degrading language towards women and accusations of sexual violence are bad unless you really believe in the Trump movement, and then there is a way to make it make sense. It’s really terrible that young boys and children are abused systematically at alarming rates by their religious leaders unless you’re a devoted Catholic. I watched a video a few months ago of a young woman getting up on the stage of her evangelical church and “out” her pastor for sexually abusing her as a young teen. Suddenly, for those people who loved that pastor, things became complicated. These things are not complicated.
Violating consent is wrong always.
Sexual violence is wrong always.
Sexual contact with children is wrong always.
Marrying children is wrong always.
Subjugating the will of another, or abusing your power for sexual gain is wrong always.
Even when it’s your guy.
As I write this, it makes me want to scream. After years of listening to justification over justification on why any of these things listed are okay, it makes me want to lose my mind. Just because he’s your favorite brother, your best friend, or your sacred spiritual leader, does not mean he is above accountability. I do not care one bit how much you love your guy. I care about victims. Saying we need to do better is a vast understatement.
This is why these things continue to exist in plain sight. We keep protecting "our guy"
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